She said it like it was a hello or goodbye, matter of fact like… “for such a fainthearted woman, you sure are walking through some hard places.” Just like that – my life summed up- faint. hearted.
It’s true. She birthed me and knows me well and she was right, I am faint of heart.
Broken, empty, unable to make it through a day of housework or homeschool without battling discouragement and overwhelm. Maybe it is the season of young children – of weary battles, or maybe not? Maybe He purposed me in the womb this way- with a bent towards needing Him. And He has used this season to bring me there again-to bring me back home- to REALLY needing Him, needing Him just to do the next thing. The dishes- a diaper- the next meal… Maybe this was HIS IDEA all along…
The baptism of the broken– to submerge me in it head long. For Him to bring me face to face with the end of me so that I might, just for a moment, behold the true beginning of Him.
So the question becomes what to do with a faint heart? I can be depressed about it, complain about it, tell God “no”, that I can’t endure another task or trial, please just not today. I can let it define me, limit me, and hold me back…
I can let it lay me down.
Flat down on my face, wrecked, weak, and needy…
I can let it lay me down because from the down I can finally look up and see Him in ALL HIS GLORY.
Being down is what keeps me yoked, desperate, and unable to find my way apart from Him.
When I surrender to that position, rather than fight it, I can let it develop in me the deep understanding of my lack, because only in that empty place do I find Him- My overflowing grace.
I can surrender to the baptismal waters that rise even though they feel like drowning, because really, they are birthing instead.
Being fainthearted is not a diagnosis or a predicament, but rather a posture. It’s a posture of need, of simplicity, of being fully, presently aware of our smallness and inability to do anything apart from The Lord.
A faint heart is the uncomfortable weakness that opens up like a vessel to be filled- cracked painfully at the seam – at what feels to be the breaking point of sure failure. When in truth, it is the empty that begs for the fullness of God. It is the opening up to ALL OF HIM in which His grace and mercy can finally run free in a life.
Being faint hearted is to live fully aware of my inability to fully live. But it is in that very place of utter dependance and painful surrender where I am free. Because He is fully alive in Me and I in turn with Him, intertwined and woven together. His heart with mine, my step in His…unbroken.