The Honesty of Struggle

I mentioned on my Facebook page yesterday that I was taking it easy this week in blog world, to pay some more attention to life: the kids, dinner, the laundry-the things that make up my day.  But really it is more than that.  I am needing rest from my pounding heart and tired body, from my fears that seem to be encompassing me today.

I am writing this to be honest, what good is this pretty little blog if I am not real here?  How will God use valentine countdowns and free printables if I don’t share the truth that is behind it all…

Right now in life there are so many “little” struggles that fill my day.  Disobedient fighting children, home school challenges, lack of sleep with teething babies, total overwhelm.  My mind is flooded with questions: Can I be enough for all my kids today?  Is their sin a direct reflection of my failures as a mom?  Why am I so short temped?  Wy can’t I lose weight?  Why do I feel so defeated?

I categorize these as “little” not because they feel that way, they don’t.  In fact most days I feel swallowed up by them.

I say “little” because as we await word to see if our son will remain with us forever or if we will get a call to the contrary EVERYTHING ELSE SEEMS SO LITTLE.

Most days I feel like I am waiting for the bottom to fall out.  To walk the long horrible road of loss.  I try to push it out, block it out – craft, teach, cook, but it is there like a boulder around my neck, pulling me down, weighing so heavy on my heart.

Will this be a happy story of God’s faithfulness or one that refines in the hot fires of pain?   There are no answers today, and so with all the BIG Pain and little pain all I can do is fall on my face and turn to Christ.

I DON’T WANT to… But I HAVE to… What I want is for Him to fix it.  To answer me.  To stop the pain of waiting.  To say enough is enough.  But He is the only ENOUGH there is.

Defiant children He is our hope.  Aching hearts He is our healer.  Fearful thoughts He is our deliverer.

I am writing this because it is true, not because it is how I feel.  I feel frazzled and sick and tired and overwhelmed and like I just want to stay under the covers all day.  But I press on because he is ENOUGH.

In fact HE is MORE than enough.  I hate that.  From the depths of me I hate it because I don’t want ONLY Him.  I want my sweet Joshua with me forever.  I want my kids to not fight all the time.  I want to home school in peace with the assurance that my kids are doing well and will be well equipped for the future.   I want Him and I want more too…

but…

HE IS THE MORE.  It is that simple.  He is ENOUGH and He is MORE.  More than I deserve, more than I could hope for, More than all the other loves my heart holds dear.  NO matter how I feel He is BOTH the ENOUGH and the MORE.

“Help me not just write that Lord.  Help me LIVE it, FEEL it, BREATHE it.  eradicate my fear of all that I stand to lose.  Help me live not to hoard this life for myself, but to live it freely for you.  Let this be lived out practically each day around my table as I teach, eat and live TODAY, right here, right now.

Fix My eyes on YOU, the MORE in this life and for all eternity.

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “The Honesty of Struggle

  1. Bless you. Bless your honesty. Bless your struggle. Bless your willingness to share. I have many times heard people say that God will never gives us more than we can bare but that is not exactly true. What is true is that he will never allow us to suffer more than what he can bare. What He gave us is Himself in the form of his perfect Son, our Savior Christ. He cries with us and intercedes for us in our exhaustion and because of him have hope and a reassurance that our trials are not vanity because He will overcome and as his children so shall we. I am praying for you and your precious family. I am praising God for you and asking him to lay heavy upon you his peace that passes all understanding. I know we have not met but you are my sister in Christ and I will continue to love and lift you up.

    • Christen, thank you for your sweet encouragement. It blesses my soul. You are right we are sisters and I appreciate your prayers and your reading here more than you know. Blessings to you!

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